Coming around again...

It has been too long and I apologise to you and myself for not being here.

But here I am...coming around again. I love this song by Simon Webb.
I guess it is how I have been feeling a while now...in the darkness...waiting for colourful days. I am cannot put my finger on it exactly but here are few thoughts of why I have been feeling sorry for myself.
I feel as a stay at home mum that it is like ground-hog day...dropping kids off and picking up, washing, washing and more fricken washing! cooking and baking for the family, cleaning up, putting things away, washing dishes etc. It may sound like bliss to some which I respect but for me right now it ain't getting my creative, intellectual and happy juices flowing. I am in a rut!
Another thing is that I am lonely. I will go days without a text, phone call or visit from a loved one and for me this hurts. I thrive on companionship and friendship. I have decided I have high expectations of people in my life. This often means I feel let down eventually and then decide this person is not the best fit for me so gradually we go our separate ways. I expect people to not let me down and they always do because they are human. I am a strong believer in integrity which means I overcommit and end up stressed. I know I need to let this go. I once read a book 'What matters most?' the author I cannot remember but he said people will be there or carry out something if it is important to them and this way of thinking is what kills many of my friendships. Maybe the author got this wrong. Today someone I haven't seen in ages asked me how I was. I don't like faking happiness so I told her straight up which sounded quite glum and depressing and she responded "okay well I will see you around then." That was it and she was gone... So here are my high expectations which she didn't meet so therefore she doesn't care...goodbye. That is how it goes. What do you think? Am I being ridiculous? Or do I have a point? Are people not genuine any more and therefore don't know how to react when someone is with them? Help???
So...I am feeling bored, undervalued, purposeless and lonely but it will pass. I can see the sunlight is creeping in. 

So I had my whine above. My goal for this blog I have decided it to have my blah (my nays) on what is brassing me off and then I must finish by listing all the great things about my day (my yays). I encourage you to do the same. I want to create some simple connections...no expectations I promise. 

My yays for today! Spring is 2 days away here in the southern hemisphere. My garden is full of scrumptious veggies and the blossoms are bursting on my fruit trees. My two year old slapped me in the face only once today which is great for him. I got to cuddle my two week old niece. Dinner was easy because I prepared it this morning for the slow cooker. 

I am coming around again. xo

I been sitting in the darkness
But the sunlight's creeping in
Now the ice is slowly melting
In my soul and in my skin

All the good times my friend, yeah, yeah
Are coming around again
Oh yeah

I been thinking, reminiscing
Of better nights and better days
Hiding in a refuge of memories I've made
I got a feeling within, within
Its coming around again

It's coming around again
We been so long waiting
For the all time high
We got a damn good reason
So put your troubles aside

And all your winter sorrows
Hang em out to dry
Throw it away, you gotta throw it away
All the colorful days my friend
Are coming around again

Yeah yeah mmm
Yeah yeah

I can feel a change of fortune
No more riding on my love
Feel the weight is off my shoulders
As my feet become unstuck

And all the good times on which we do depend
Oh its coming around again

We been so long waiting
For the all time high
We got a damn good reason
So put your troubles aside

And all your winter sorrows
Hang em out to dry
Throw it away, you gotta throw it away
All the colorful days my friend
Are coming around again

Coming back home...

My friend and I were talking today about how hard it is to take a less popular path in life such as choosing Waldorf Education for our children as opposed to Mainstream. We attended a Mary Willow Parent Evening at school last night which was outstanding. See www.plumparenting.com if you are interested. The topic arose about how we cope as parents when our children are exposed to values and behaviours that are not in line with our beliefs and boundaries that we practice in our own homes. This issue obviously struck a note for many of us. The way of life we choose for our children at home and in education is often misunderstood by many people around us and close to us. So I find I am often in conversations with others where the thought of explaining our choices is painful and I rather not go there. And certainly giving these people small snippets of the huge picture that is Waldorf Education doesn't do it justice. I have been told that people need to find it for themselves. So when family and friends see your path in not so supportive ways or worse with little interest, it can be exhausting, isolating and frustrating. SOOOO all the more reason for having a brilliant network within the Waldorf community. People who have chosen to step outside the box too. People who understand and are passionate about this. We need to have opportunities available to build these relationships with each other. To me some days stepping into the school grounds or a meeting or just seeing someone out and about from the 'community' I feel like I am home. I can breathe easy and feel like we have got each others back. It doesn't always go smooth sailing...don't get me wrong...sometimes there are judgements within the Waldorf walls depending on how 'Steiner' your life practices are in the clothes you wear, the food you eat and words you use...but nevertheless I will take this community and embrace it and strengthen it with all my might... This is definitely one of my life purposes!!! I feel more at home here than I do anywhere else especially with my children.

I have been thinking...

I have been thinking a lot lately about my next post and what I would like to say. I wanted it to be just right and have wonderful, positive things to share but after speaking today with a lovely friend of mine I have had a change in tune. We discussed how every mum seems to blog about the beautiful experiences they have with their children and the great things going on in their lives but I am often left thinking after reading them...gosh I am useless...I never have the energy to do that or this. My friend mentioned that this is the case also on facebook etc with people always posting their daily doings through rose tinted glasses. The thought of following suit really made me uncomfortable particularly this last month. Personally I have struggled the last few weeks as a mother and I put myself out there and share this with you. First and foremost I am my own worst enemy because when I feel low I try to convince myself that I live a blessed life so therefore I cannot justify feeling down in the dumps and don't deserve any attention or help because it seems like I am being weak. Next I avoid people so I don't have to fake my happiness and set myself up for my own perceived rejection by others which sends me further downhill. So like I say so far it is my own doing. Then I bring my children into the picture whom I love dearly but are more challenging it seems lately. I always blamed myself for going back to work too soon with my second child as he became more aggressive once he entered childcare after his first birthday. However now my third child is into his second year and I am a stay at home mummy he seems to be having the same changes much to my dismay. So my childcare theory has been thrown out the window and I now reflect back on myself again. And I am sinking with the thoughts of how will I cope with these two energetic boys as well as my seven year old daughter who is the sweetest thing but has her ears glued on most of the time. I get frustrated all the time!!!!!! I question my ability to be a good mum constantly and am left wondering whether I would be better off entering the workforce again to get back some sanity. Then comes the GUILT again. So that's my pretty picture in a nutshell. I know no one currently reads this but you never know. There are other mums out there going through a million worse things than this and I am so aware of this (bring in my little voice saying be grateful!!!) I guess I am in a rut and this is my shout out to the world...Are you too? I want purpose and passion back. Can we have this as stay at home mothers for real??? Enough of the faking...I want to genuinely be joyful.

"When your trying to motivate yourself, appreciate the fact that you are even thinking about making the change. As you move yourself forward, allow yourself to be good enough." Alice Domar

Hello world

I live just outside Hamilton on our little piece of paradise with my husband and three lovely children. I am always interested in making connections with people who I meet as I live my life hence I decided to start my own blog. I am blown away by the amazing blogs out there that other mothers create. I see amazing ideas, craft, cooking, parenting advice, adventures etc and wonder how can I do that too? But I can't. I can only be as I can be. So I hope to include snippets from my life whether it be 'not quite what I had planned' craft, or 'why has that not worked?' baking, or readings and ideas about what I am passionate about -children, mothers and education. So here I am. Just me and maybe the little voice in my head...