I have been thinking...

I have been thinking a lot lately about my next post and what I would like to say. I wanted it to be just right and have wonderful, positive things to share but after speaking today with a lovely friend of mine I have had a change in tune. We discussed how every mum seems to blog about the beautiful experiences they have with their children and the great things going on in their lives but I am often left thinking after reading them...gosh I am useless...I never have the energy to do that or this. My friend mentioned that this is the case also on facebook etc with people always posting their daily doings through rose tinted glasses. The thought of following suit really made me uncomfortable particularly this last month. Personally I have struggled the last few weeks as a mother and I put myself out there and share this with you. First and foremost I am my own worst enemy because when I feel low I try to convince myself that I live a blessed life so therefore I cannot justify feeling down in the dumps and don't deserve any attention or help because it seems like I am being weak. Next I avoid people so I don't have to fake my happiness and set myself up for my own perceived rejection by others which sends me further downhill. So like I say so far it is my own doing. Then I bring my children into the picture whom I love dearly but are more challenging it seems lately. I always blamed myself for going back to work too soon with my second child as he became more aggressive once he entered childcare after his first birthday. However now my third child is into his second year and I am a stay at home mummy he seems to be having the same changes much to my dismay. So my childcare theory has been thrown out the window and I now reflect back on myself again. And I am sinking with the thoughts of how will I cope with these two energetic boys as well as my seven year old daughter who is the sweetest thing but has her ears glued on most of the time. I get frustrated all the time!!!!!! I question my ability to be a good mum constantly and am left wondering whether I would be better off entering the workforce again to get back some sanity. Then comes the GUILT again. So that's my pretty picture in a nutshell. I know no one currently reads this but you never know. There are other mums out there going through a million worse things than this and I am so aware of this (bring in my little voice saying be grateful!!!) I guess I am in a rut and this is my shout out to the world...Are you too? I want purpose and passion back. Can we have this as stay at home mothers for real??? Enough of the faking...I want to genuinely be joyful.

"When your trying to motivate yourself, appreciate the fact that you are even thinking about making the change. As you move yourself forward, allow yourself to be good enough." Alice Domar